Get to Know: Nikki Bergen

Along with a lot of wisdom, Donna Ramsbottom shared stories with us about the sense of joy and purpose raising children has given her, and how motherhood has helped her reconnect with her cultural background. Let’s get to know her.   How has your relationship with your daughters changed over the years? It has become more of a friendship. I love that they call me Donna and not Mom. There came a point in my life where my parent-years turned off and I wouldn't answer when they were calling me Mom. So they just started calling me Donna. It works. I really appreciate that my daughters listen to me, and I've learned to listen to them. They've taught me a lot, especially how to be carefree. To just live and not worry. Do you have any favourite stories about your kids? Doran was a competitive swimmer. She swam on the national team. When she was a baby and I was swimming laps in the pool, her dad was walking her along the edge of the pool, and she let go of his hand and jumped in the water. Her dad tapped me on the head and said, “You better go get your daughter.” I found her sitting at the very bottom of the pool, the deep end, like a little Buddha looking up at me. She was holding her breath and everything. She was only about a year old when that happened. So from then on, I made sure she knew how to float. How did your life change when you became a mother? It brought me so much joy and purpose. I just had so much fun. I got to be a little girl again, and I got to teach them everything I felt I missed out on. It's the best thing in the world. Motherhood brings out the best and teaches you so many things.    It's the best thing in the world. Motherhood brings out the best and teaches you so many things. Earlier you mentioned you didn’t learn much about your cultural background when you were growing up. How did you teach your children about their heritage?  My dad was part Native and, growing up, I was told not to tell anybody that. So most of my life I've had to keep everything hidden. When I had my daughters, I wanted them to know all the stories that my dad had told. I wanted them to know he was part Native and that he taught me how to hunt, trap, and track. He taught me how to live off the land in the wild—what fruits to boil and what berries to pick. And also how to use herbs to get rid of poison ivy and things like that. So when my children were little, I started taking them to the beach or for walks in the bush to show them things in the wild.  One day when we were up north, I showed them rabbit tracks in the snow, and my baby—who was only about three or four—was standing on top of the snow and she started following the rabbit tracks into the forest and I had to go and catch her, but I sunk up to my waist in the snow while she was just walking on top of the drifts. It was pretty fun. Doran was always worrying that Charlotte was going to get lost in the bush. Why was it important to you to share that cultural history with your daughters? I had felt so much shame back then, and I'm going to cry right now because I felt like I wasn't part of my friends or part of the world. Now I'm so proud that I can say I have a little bit of Indigenous love in me, and I’m very grateful for the community it has brought. I'm learning things. I go to powwows now and that has been such an amazing, peaceful, wholesome fulfilling experience.   Now I'm so proud that I can say I have a little bit of Indigenous love in me, and I’m very grateful for the community it has brought.  We thought it would be fun to get to know Donna even further by interviewing her daughter, Doran Reed. What we discovered was a pretty special relationship based on life advice, fashion advice, singing in the car, and hiking through the woods. Let’s get to know her.    Can you tell us something you love about your mother? I love her resilience. She’s had a lot of obstacles in her lifetime, and she’s shown me time and time again how to get over those obstacles. She’s never faltered. She’s never shown that the path is too difficult. She's always there, pulling herself back up and getting where she needs to go.   I love her resilience. She's always there, pulling herself back up and getting where she needs to go. How would you describe your relationship with your mother? I call her whenever I'm going to work. I call her whenever I need anything. She's my go-to. She's my mom. Like I'll send her an outfit photo and be like, “Does this look good?” It's really easy for me to go to her for any sort of advice. She always has the right answer for me. What are three words that describe your mother? Loving, thoughtful, incredibly-hardworking-slash-determined. I'm going to squeeze that in as a double whammy.  What's the best advice your mom has given you? “You can be anything that you want to be because you are you.” Do you want to give her an early Happy Mother’s Day message?  I love you, Mama. Happy Mother's Day. I'm so glad I get to do life with you. Thank you for being my mom.   I'm so glad I get to do life with you. Thank you for being my mom. Do you have a favourite memory with your mom?  Every time we go on a big walk together. That's kind of like our hobby, especially since we moved here. We used to do big walks on the beach, but now we have the whole forest to explore and our dogs love to run together. So whether we're happy or sad, it's hike time. Let's go. We put on the boots and go as far north as we possibly can. Rain, shine, snow, sleet, we're out there in the bush, reconnecting with nature and one another. It's a really good time. We've cried, we've laughed, we've sung. We go through the whole Justin Timberlake bringing sexy back album and scream at the top of our lungs in the car together.  So it's just the feeling you get when you're with each other and it’s just love encapsulated in the moment.  By: Carter Selinger

Becky De Oliveira is the owner of Blush and Bloom—a thriving flower and wedding studio in Toronto. We spoke to her about mom guilt, striking a balance between a busy work and home life, and the importance of taking time to nurture kindness and curiosity in her daughter Florence.    Can you tell us about your postpartum journey? I didn’t realize the level of postpartum care that I would need, so going back to work early hit me like a ton of bricks. As a business owner, I knew there would be a dramatic change, but I didn’t know exactly what that would be. I wasn’t equipped community-wise and support-wise to handle everything. That made things a little bit more challenging for someone who was used to coming and going as they pleased and working as much as needed.  Have you surprised yourself with how you’ve managed to continue to successfully run your business and raise your daughter? I think I surprised myself with my ability to realize that I needed to lean on the people I do have. They are willing and capable to help with a lot of the business side of things. Realizing that I have a team who are invested in my brand and invested in my success in business as well as being a mom was very important.  It's really hard and a lot of work, but I'm very proud. We were thrilled when we found out we were becoming parents. But I never fully understood how motherhood affects the trajectory of things with business and life in general. I think we just didn't know what it all looked like for us. It's a wild thing in a demanding world. You’re used to giving a thousand percent of everything to your work. And now it's kind of like, okay, well, there are more important things. I really don't think I would have come to that realization if I didn’t have a baby.    You’re used to giving a thousand percent of everything to your work. And now it's kind of like, okay, well, there are more important things. What do you love most about Florence? She knows what she wants. She knows what she likes and doesn't like, and she’s very kind. That’s something that we talk about a lot in our home, kindness. She really loves nature. She's just a very kind, helpful little girl.  What advice would you give to future mothers who are entrepreneurs?  To make sure they build their community and to not be afraid to accept help from their family or friends—even before the baby comes. Normalize the idea of asking for help, even if it's something small like: “Can you come over and talk to me during nap time so that I can have an adult conversation and make my life feel somewhat normal for a second?”    Normalize the idea of asking for help, even if it's something small like: ‘Can you come over and talk to me during nap time so that I can have an adult conversation and make my life feel somewhat normal for a second? If you're an employer, you want to keep making sure your team is doing a great job and feeling good because they’re such a valuable support system. You’re going to need to be able to relinquish some control in your life whether that’s with your business or with mom stuff.  Do you ever tire of questions about what it’s like to balance being an entrepreneur and raising a child? It seems like moms would get asked that way more than dads.   I do feel like it's harder in every way for female entrepreneurs as parents. Moms are often the primary caregivers, so adding the mental load of motherhood to entrepreneurship, it’s a lot. It's tough to feel like you’re thriving in all of those areas and to be constantly asked “How do you do it?” When you know that dads are probably not being asked the same questions.    I do feel like it's harder in every way for female entrepreneurs as parents. Moms are often the primary caregivers, so adding the mental load of motherhood to entrepreneurship, it’s a lot. Can you tell us a bit about your business?  It’s called Blush and Bloom. We are a flower and wedding studio here in Toronto. I’ve been an owner of the business for 12 years now. And we've expanded to include a sister brand in floral education called Blue School. Flowers are all I know. So it just feels natural that this is what I'm doing and what I've always been doing.  We do anywhere from 30 to 60 corporate events and weddings per year. On top of that we have the education and workshop aspects of the business, which are fully separate. So yeah, we're hopping most of the time. Do you ever feel mom guilt?  Yeah. 100%. My gosh. I work on weekends so I feel all-consuming mom guilt sometimes. Work definitely takes away from a lot of typical family time like summers at the park, or traveling. I'm learning to prioritize, take a step back from the business, and take a month off with my family to make sure we have time to make memories. It took me five years to be able to do that though. But yeah, the guilt is still there. It’s almost like FOMO. But even if we can just go to the park or something, I love that. Florence gets to do all these really fun things with her dad during their time. So that's also really special. But it’s very hard because her dad gets evenings and weekends off and I’m working during that time, and I’m the owner. I make all the decisions so sometimes I need to answer my phone or be there for my team. But, yeah, mom guilt is real.     I work on weekends so I feel all-consuming mom guilt sometimes. What do you tell yourself in moments when you’re feeling guilty?  I don't know if there's anything I tell myself, but it has gotten easier to deal with now that I’ve made sure I'm compensating in other ways. I've set a lot of boundaries to prioritize family. So now I'll tell myself, “You're leaving at five in the morning and missing out on taking Florence to her friend’s birthday party, but you’re going to be home to have dinner.” I also actively try to remind myself that this business might be around long enough that one day I can say to Florence: “Well, do you want this? If this is what you want to do, here you go.”  What are some of the positive, joyful things that have come out of motherhood?  I think I listen more and take more time to focus on slowing down. I try to see things through my child's eyes like flowers, nature, or cities. That’s really interesting. You have blinders on sometimes because you don't have time to focus on random stuff when you're busy. Kids can help you pay attention to the things that are new and important to them that maybe you haven’t thought about in a while.  It's endearing to hear some of the questions they ask and how pure things can be at this age. That’s why it’s nice to take the time to give their questions a really good answer. That curiosity is so fun to watch. It’s really exciting. Yeah, I just love her.    Kids can help you pay attention to the things that are new and important to them that maybe you haven’t thought about in a while. By: Carter Selinger

We spoke with Lesley Billingsley about raising her two children, Savannah and Luther, as a stay-at-home mom. Lesley chatted to us about the challenges, discoveries, and joys of motherhood. She also shared a few of the unlikely lessons her children have taught her along the way. Let’s get to know her.   What do you love most about your children? It’s something different for each of them. Savannah is so caring and compassionate. She's always making sure everyone's okay. She's really sensitive and emotional. I love that about her.  Luther is a ball of energy. He is, as my cousin likes to say, real-life funny. He's not little-kid funny. He's funny across the board. He keeps us laughing. I was trying to figure out our love languages one day. Like Savannah's is definitely physical touch. I think mine is acts of service. I was trying to think of what Luther's was and he just announced: “I know what mine is. Mine is tuna.”  What have you discovered about yourself since becoming a mother? I've discovered that every day can be a new day. So whether you have a great adventure with your children or if you make a mistake, you start over. You wake up in the morning, you leave yesterday behind you, and you just start fresh and try to do the best you can for yourself and your children.    You wake up in the morning, you leave yesterday behind you, and you just start fresh and try to do the best you can for yourself and your children. What have your children taught you? I think Savannah taught me that you don't have to be perfect. You can make mistakes and you can try again. I liked things done a certain way before kids, but now I'm more flexible and lenient. Luther taught me that there's no exact timing for everything, and everything is worth the wait. When Luther was 18 months old, he wasn’t talking. We had to go into speech therapy. We were really worried. But now he’s saying his love language is tuna. So I guess when the time is right, the time is right.    I think Savannah taught me that you don't have to be perfect. You can make mistakes and you can try again. Luther taught me that there's no exact timing for everything, and everything is worth the wait. What's the most challenging part of motherhood? Not really knowing what to do. There's no textbook. Even if you talk to all the mothers in the world, it will never fully prepare you. So I think the most challenging part is not having a way to quantify if what you're doing is right or wrong. And you really won't know how you’ve done until way down the road when your kids grow up. Have you ever faced any judgment or adversity as a stay-at-home mom? I’ve realized I'm very privileged to be in a position where my partner can go to work and provide for us while I’m at home taking care of the children. Some people I meet say they wish they could be in my position so they could’ve had more time with their kids. And then other people kind of turn up their noses at me. I get comments like: “When are you going to get a real job?” “What do you do all day?” “When are you going back to work?” I'm always like, “I am working. It's just a different form of work.” Motherhood is 24/7 and you don't get paid.  Those kinds of questions come from well-intentioned people like friends and family, too. They're not trying to judge me at all. They’re just like “Hey, you used to have this job. Are you ever going to go back to it?” They’re just curious. But sometimes it can hurt a little bit. I've been a stay-at-home parent since Savannah was born eight years ago. When she went to kindergarten, I went back to work for a few months, but basically, I've been home with the kids 24/7 for eight years. In September Luther’s starting kindergarten so I'm going to be entering a brand new phase of my motherhood journey. It's scary, it's exciting, it’s unknown. I don't know what it's going to look like for me. My priority is getting Luther thriving and doing his thing in kindergarten, and then I'll see what things look like for me.   Luther’s starting kindergarten so I'm going to be entering a brand new phase of my motherhood journey. It's scary, it's exciting, it’s unknown. Do you have any advice for new moms? Just soak it up. You can get all the baby cuddles. I remember when both the kids were really small, people would say, “You're always picking them up. They're not going to know how to use their legs.” But I just wanted to get in as much time with them as possible because I knew how quickly they go through those phases. My advice to new moms is to just enjoy those moments without feeling guilty.    My advice to new moms is to just enjoy those moments without feeling guilty. By: Carter Selinger